Editor: During the year period, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are always particularly tight in the same house? Chen Shurong, a consultant psychologist, analyzed that although the new generation of in-laws is no longer as powerful as before, the growth backgrounds of different generations are different, and the value view is still different. If you expect the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to know each other just like mother and daughter, you may be disappointed and expectant. How can a new generation of mother-in-law find the distance between them and the next generation?
On the eve of the Spring Festival, there are always many discussions on the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in social media. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law who are usually unfamiliar and even have more ties to do so are more likely to have rifts due to the intensive interactions during the New Year holidays.
As the saying goes, daughter-in-law is difficult, but why is it easy to be a parent-in-law? "50+" investigated the voice of the novice mother-in-law on the fan page, and caused 139 comments to discuss. With the progress of the times, today's mother-in-law no longer upholds the authority of the past when facing young daughter-in-law. Being independent and not fighting each other has become a common understanding among most people.
However, there are still many undercurrents that seem to be equal. Some people think they have already made it clear that they are still not from young people; some people miss their children and sons, but they dare not speak for fear of being accused of "emotional blackmail." Some people are embarrassed to refuse the request of the next generation to help Suzi. They have a lot of work and schedule, and they are exhausted. How should mother-in-law in the new era stay by herself?
1. Do you know yourself, or are you not from young people? Chen Shurong, a psychological counselor who understands the background gap between the two generations of growth, observed that most middle-aged people today can understand that the times have become different, and they should respect the ideas of young people. But sometimes, the words and deeds of young people still unintentionally make the elder feel offended, and vice versa.
She took "rejection" as an example. When her mother-in-law brought out a bowl of chicken soup, even if the daughter-in-law in the 50s and 60s had no appetite, she would take a few sips of her face first, and then politely said, "It seems to be a little bit good, so drink it later." But young people in the 20s and 30s are likely to refuse in a blunt way: "It's okay, I don't have to eat now, so I really don't need it."
Such a gap is related to the difference in the growth background of the two generations. Chen Shurong pointed out that in the era of 5 and 6 years of life who have passed the strictness and authority, their behavior will be relatively restrained and conservative. However, in grades 7 and 8, they have grown up in a society that has been lifted from a verbal lift, and are brave enough to be themselves. "Will they think, why should they be so fake? If you don't think about it, why should you say something wrong?"
She also noticed that the 50s generations are in the more powerful previous generation and the next generation that is big and big, so it is difficult to feel a sense of relative sympathy. Especially when I feel that I have become open and broad-minded, but I am still challenged by young people. "We will think that I was not as free as you when I was young. Now you are so free, why are you still unhappy?"
How to face this sentiment? Chen Shurong believes that the times move forward and the social atmosphere change are all difficult trends to hinder. But she would also confess that young children are not "perfect growth" and it takes time to digest the impact they bring. "It's not that they call me, I'd rather accept it happily and say 'It's so good'. I'm still so angry!" she said with a smile.
If you still can't get over the psychology, you might as well express your emotions with your classmates. Suffering from sisters of the same generation is usually more useful than fighting with young people. Chen Shurong smiled and said that she would occasionally complain to her friends about her child's "stumbling" behavior. Everyone has similar backgrounds and encounters the same problems, and their emotions are more likely to be accepted.
2. What should I do if I don’t want to take a slut? Practicing the topic of "no" is the new era leaderIn the comments of the readers of the "50+" survey, more than one in-law mentioned that it requires physical strength to bring one's heart. It’s okay to play rock, but in the long run, it’s just one word “tired”! How can I not say the needs put forward by the next generation when I am no longer able to bear it?
Chen Shurong pointed out that being embarrassed to speak and refuse is also one of the characteristics of grade 5 or 6 students. Facing the next generation, most parents will still have a sense of mission of "what must be done" and hope they are good fathers and in-laws. However, this kind of comprehensive idea can sometimes cause you to feel irritated.
She believes that no matter whether it is her parents-in-law or parents, she doesn't have to feel guilty when she refuses to the next generation. After all, when the child is adult, the parents' responsibility is over. "After the child gets married, it is a resource for parents to be willing to help, but it is reasonable to not be willing." Leaving time and money to yourself is not selfish, but a normal choice.
As for how to resist the consequences so as not to hurt the hearts of young people? Chen Shurong said frankly that when parents said no, the child would feel injured. But the illusion is the beginning of growth. "He would personally realize that the boss didn't want to help me, I had to face it myself." The boss can provide emotional support to his children, but encourage them to solve the challenges they encounter in life on their own.
3. Missing Sun, how can you not be blackmailed if you speak out? I confess that I have been circumcised and respected that the next generation has their own life, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid thinking about it and thinking too much. How can I express myself so that I will not be disgusted?Chen Shurong analyzed that sometimes overly overturned expressions, she would be regarded as "emotional blackmail" by young people. For example, some people want their children to stay at home during the New Year, but they don’t say it clearly, but say, “Where are you going during the New Year? Is it so fun to go abroad? Okay, young people have things to do with young people.” Or, the elders clearly feel lonely and repeatedly guaranteed that they are fine in front of their children, “You don’t have to come back, I’m fine, no problem.”
However, these two ways of expression cannot help the elders achieve their original purpose. Chen Shurong pointed out that when the child receives messages from his parents and feels impatient by such a roundabout way of expression, it may make the parents even more frustrated. "But this does not mean that the child does not care about his parents."
She believes that she might as well tell her late to miss her, but also accept that they may have other arrangements. The most important thing is not to interpret children's rejection as: "They don't love me and hate me." The heart is full of negative emotions, which will affect future interactions.
She had told her children who were about to leave, "If you leave home, I will definitely miss you very much and call you often." But the child's response was very straightforward: "I don't want it, I'm so busy." Usually parents may feel unhappy when they hear this. But she did not take the mood to heart, but understood that "the mouth of adolescent children is bad, and they need to show their independent needs through language."
Interestingly, sometimes she is busy with work and has less time at home, so the child will take the initiative to chat with her mother. Keep the distance open and focus on your life at any time, and the relationship between the two generations is more harmonious!
4. How does a novice mother-in-law get along with her daughter-in-law? Let go of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, just like the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, why is it more difficult to solve the conflict between parents and children? Chen Shurong pointed out that there will be strength between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, not only due to the gap in concepts between generations. Another important reason is that the daughter-in-law is an "outsider" of the husband's family."My parents-in-law sometimes tell their daughter-in-law, 'In the future you will be our own family', but this sentence is really unfaithful." Chen Shurong said bluntly that when people first meet, they will have to go through a period of running-in before they can get familiar with each other. If you insist on "the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should be like mother and daughter", the actual interactive experience is not the case, and both parties will be very frustrated.
She believed that it would be better to tell the other party honestly about his mother-in-law and her verbally that he told his daughter-in-law that "you are your own person." Everyone opened the skylight and said, first understand each other's principles and bottom line, and the communication in the future will be even smoother.
How should a new mother-in-law get along with her daughter-in-law? Chen Shurong suggested that the other party could be regarded as "a new friend I just met." If you express goodwill to your daughter-in-law, if the reward given by the other party is good, you will continue to deepen the relationship on a good basis. If your personality is really not in line, then keep a distance and make sure you are safe.
In addition, Chen Shurong also reminded that if the next generation encounters difficulties during the relationship and childbirth of husband and wife, the elders can be the listener who complains, but it is not advisable to intervene directly by action. For example, when a couple quarrels, their parents can help bring their children home and live there for a few days. "If you are in a hurry to make a decision, their original small quarrel may turn into rebellion and become enemies. The worse it gets."
5. How to get along with your children and your daughter-in-law? First, let’s put yourself in good condition. How should we deal with the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law that many people think is difficult to solve forever? Chen Shurong believes that the real solution is actually tolerate herself.She observed that the lack of human connection is a common problem for retirees. Especially for women, the first 30 to 40 years of life are almost always for parents, husbands, and children. "After the child leaves, will he suddenly not know what he wants to do?"
She used herself as an example, and the child gradually grew up and had a different life circle than his parents. She also started to manage her own life. Everyone has different interests. Sports, classes, and friends can be used to expand pressure and establish an international connection. If you don’t like being with people, you can also raise pets and pick flowers and play with grass. In the process of caring for other lives, I am also accompanied.
"Now, if my child's itinerary and I conflict in time, I will take my own priority," she laughed. For the 50th generation, whether it is for children, daughters-in-law, or son-in-law, you can use your friends' feelings to deal with them. Everyone is an independent adult, and they meet happily during the holidays, but they do not interfere with each other's lives. The distance just got just right, so let each other be at ease!
Original text: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law don’t have to be like mother and daughter, just be free! Psychologist: 5 ways to resolve the problems of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in the new generation